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  • Writer's pictureclairemirsky3

Airport Accidents

One puppy can make a big mess

[A STAND-UP Script]

So, I’m in line at the Salt Lake City Airport, and it’s February. Which means it’s full of beautiful people and their giant bags of gear. They were all coming back from ski trips or snowboarding… meanwhile, I’m just trying to juggle a rickety two-wheeled carry-on and a dog carrier.

I couldn’t just go straight through to security, because I had an animal. So, I had to wait in line as though I was actually checking a bag. Everyone was complaining to the people next to them, like this line is so long, or on their phones to pass the time. I was just looking around anxiously, hoping no one thought I was kidnapping this dog.

I was visibly uncomfortable in his presence. I was in a cold sweat. I was gripping the carrier suspiciously close to my chest. In my defense, I’d learned the hard way, that if I left too much room between myself and the carrier he would start to squeak. And that would be a nuisance, so I figured my suspiciousness was saving everyone a headache.

I finally made it to the front of the line and showed my boarding pass and ID to the woman at the front desk. And she’s like, “Is that your dog?” And I was like, fuck. She’s on to me. She thinks I kidnapped this dog. So I said, “Uh…yeah. We just met, I’m just bringing him home.” And she was like, “Oh… good luck.”

And I was like, Thanks Lady, I appreciate the vote of confidence. So, I wanted to storm off to the security line, but I’m dealing with this rickety suitcase so my dramatic exit was delayed.

I get to the security line, and I’m like… oh my god, I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to check a dog through security. So I’m in my head, going through the thousands of articles I’d read in preparation for this moment… and I land on. Take him out of the carrier. Put him on his leash. Carry him through.

So I’m struggling to get Kylo’s leash on and get my carry-on and his carrier onto the conveyor belt with one elbow and a knee. And then I hear, “The girl with the puppy!” I look up, and the TSA agent is standing there, waving me forward. And I’m like, finally! The perks have arrived. So, I get to skip my way ahead of like five people in line and take my sweet time waiting for my shoes to come.

I get my shoes, go off to the side to put them on, when this older blonde woman scoops Kylo up and starts petting him, like “Awww, he’s so cute.” “How Old is He?” Who interrupts someone while they’re putting their shoes on after going through TSA? and assaults their dog?“ I politely answered her questions and managed to get him back into my possession.

Ok. What’s next? I’m supposed to tire my dog out before boarding a flight. So I keep him on his leash and pick up the pace. At this point, we’re running through the terminal. He’s looking up at me. Smiling. His fur is blowing in the wind. Passerby’s are pointing and laughing amongst themselves.

Then I remember I should take him to go to the bathroom. So, I peel off to the side and ask a woman who’s mopping the floor where the pet relief station is. And she points down the terminal, “It’s at the end of the terminal to your right. Past B24.” “Ok, to the right, past B24.” And she’s nodding to confirm what I said is correct, but she’s not looking at me. So I followed her eye-line and she’s looking at the floor.

Kylo’s just sitting there smiling up at me. But behind him is a wet pile of poop. So I start profusely apologizing, “I’m so sorry. Do you have anything I could use to clean this up with?” And she told me not to worry about it.

I was like, “no. no. It’s not your responsibility. I can do it. Do you have any napkins?” So she pulls out these napkins from her belt and gives them to me. I tried to scoop up the poop but she only gave me like four napkins so I ended up just smearing it across the floor.

At that point all I could do was apologize. “I’m so sorry! He’s just a puppy, he’s still learning!” And I just booked it to the pet relief station. I almost missed the door. It was this unmarked white door with a tiny symbol hanging above it. I wasn’t even sure I was in the right place, until I opened the door, and all I smelled was urine and bleach. The floor was sticky. My rickety two-wheeled suitcase took longer to move than usual. I just threw it against the wall and plopped Kylo down onto the fake grass.

“Go potty.”


“Go potty!”

Nothing. Ugh, ok!

I go to find a seat and this middle-aged man cut me off. “Oh, is he a Javanese?” “No, a Maltipoo. But we’ve been getting that a lot.” And then he pulls out his phone and shoves it in my face. “See! He looks just like my dog!”“Ah yeah. They could be cousins.” So, I go to find another seat,

Kylo ended up doing well on the plane. I sat there alert for five hours with my headphones out just anticipating any noise, but he was completely quiet. When we landed I discovered the ride-share station had been moved to the opposite side of the airport. As far as possible from the rest of ground transport and baggage claim. We finally found it and I put Kylo’s leash on to go outside.

We went to cross the street and the crossing guard asks, “Is he a Javanese?” And I’m like, “haha. No. He’s a Maltipoo. But we’ve been getting that a lot!”

The Uber driver pulls up and I introduce Kylo. He said hello. And we listened to classical music for forty minutes while weaving in and out of Atlanta traffic.

We got to my house and I told him he didn’t need to pull into the driveway, I could walk. So he helped me get my carry-on out of the trunk. I wheeled it down the driveway and put Kylo on the lawn to go to the bathroom. “Go Potty!” Nothing.

So I go to open the front door and Sara, my roommate is there Then Billy, Sara’s dog came around the corner, and Kylo barked at him! Woof. “Oh, I’ve never heard him bark before, I’m sorry.” “It’s ok, he’s a dog.” And then she stops, “Claire?” “What?”

She points behind me, so I turned around and Kylo is sitting there, smiling up at me. But behind him, there’s a puddle of pee, “I think he piddled.”

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